Well I was restless, and I needed new clothes and none of my family would go out with me so I grabbed my cd case and hit the road to go find myself and some new clothes. I decided to put in a cd that I've never really listened to but had been meaning to, and surprise surprise I absolutely loved the cd. I listened to Sixpence None The Richer all the way to my destination and all the way back home yesterday. What was really weird was that as I was driving along, mind thinking over everything wildly, ready to relive myself of my restlessness these lyrics sung aloud by Leigh Nash hit me strongly and they were exactly what I was feeling like all of this past week and at that very moment......
"Brighten My Heart" by: Sixpence None The Richer
My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
My body is as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.
Help me open my heart to You.
Help me open my heart to You.
Help me open my heart to You, oh Jesus.
It's what I long to do.
"I am a very deep person...who only understands what she is truly feeling when she writes her heart down on notebook paper. I am an idealist. I am REALLY impatient. I want to move out. I want to move on with my adult life and settle down already. I want to move out of this town. God why in the world did you move me HERE of all places? What about mine and Jared's relationship...is it going in the direction you would have us go together Lord? Should I pursue studying towards getting my teaching credentials or not...? How am I gonna afford my now increased car insurance, because of the accident...with the low paying job I have?"
These are some of the many things/questions that came to my mind yesterday when it was just me, God and the open road. I only went off for about 3 hours by myself, but keep in mind that I usually don't go ANYWHERE by myself. I don't even like running to the grocery store or to the bank by myself, much less going clothes shopping for myself, which is what I did yesterday. Going out all by myself yesterday was a HUGE thing for me, and I found that the company wasn't that disagreeable after all!
I guess the real reason I hate being alone by myself is that I think way too much into things...which usually either upsets me and/or makes me get physically sick...and stressed out. Although I usually react in a manner of stress after thinking a lot and being by myself...when I was with the Lord yesterday I didn't. I felt liberated. I felt free, and like it didn't matter that I had so many questions after all. I realized that if I came to the Lord with all of my problems and questions He alone would be the one to free me from my mind and restlessness.
At this moment I am not cured. I am still thinking about all of those things above, and more, truth be told. I am still restless, but I know that God has never let me go astray and He has never not taken care of me or lead me to where He would have me be in my life. In this I find comfort. In this I find strength. In this I think I might be able to make it through.....to a brighter heart.
Well, after all of that has been said I feel a little bit better. I think I will have to go off by myself more often. I've definitely come to the realization that being alone for a while is not a bad thing. I got to do some soul searching and some major thinking. I may not have had all of my questions answered yet, but I do know that the Lord most definitely heard my heart's cry and was right there alongside me the entire time I was alone yesterday.
I'm still struggling with trying to feel okay, to say goodbye to being restless and to let Him lead my way...
-Daughter of the King