2.19.2010

Joyful, Joyful, Oh How I Adore Thee My King!

"...the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." - Philippians 4:6

Today my heart is lite. I am full of joy, the worries have gone away today. Praise be to My King! I have been kind of panicky all week long. Okay, so maybe I have been panicking and worrying myself silly for longer than just this past week. I have been worried about what my next steps in life would be, and how I would begin to start coming to the decisions that will get me there. I know when I get like this...seemingly depressed a bit.

My heart starts to pound, my mind is aloof, I retreat within myself and the bed doesn't look like such a bad place to just go on and curl up in a ball and just stay lying there for as long as I need... I shut friends and family out at times, becoming reclusive within my mind, not letting them know what I am thinking about. I want to digress my heart's cry with my loved ones, but I don't even understand myself at times...so how am I supposed to let them in? How to deal... how do I deal with all of my internal weighty life matters that I am silently dealing with? I let myself, NO I make myself suffer alone...when all I want is to be held by Him! So why do I run and hide from Him and my loved ones at times? I am working on this............

Today is a good day. I am making small baby steps towards progress in my life. These steps might not seem like such a big deal or even a big step at all really, to all of you and to the world. I have always been different. Everything that the other kids and teens found to be easy, I fought tooth and nail not to do and not to have to deal with it! The easy things in life, which are seemingly easy to everyone else, but me, feel like large mountains that I must conquer daily. Talking to people is hard for me, I have to purpose myself to do so, especially on the business front. Talking to people at times scares me to death!!!

Today I went to the Red Cross and signed up to take their First Aid and Infant/Child CPR courses next month. This to me was a big deal... Momma pulled up in the parking lot, and I looked at her saying 'well, aren't you gonna come in?' Momma said 'No.' So I walked up to the door, walked into the office and talked to a very nice older gentleman about the what-when-and-how much. Needless to say, my hands were shaking slightly at my sides as I reached down searching through my purse looking for my checkbook. I made sure I knew where and when both of the courses would be held at and a t what times, got my information packet and booklets, and went on my way.

Talking to the man there at the Red Cross wasn't so bad after all. Making those phone calls about those courses around town earlier this week wasn't half bad either. I manged to talk to people about business.....and I didn't drop dead...nor did I freeze in paralyzing fear. I am glad my momma said 'No' when I asked her to come in with me today. Sometimes trying to stand up, making a move as an adult, is a very terrifying thing, and you feel all alone to boot. Like it's just me alone against the world! Isn't that silly though? I am NEVER ALONE! 'Hello McFly!' I have my God by my side! At times I want to revert to being a child again, where there was nothing but unaware innocence intact, endless time and the worries were so smaller than they are now.

I am so proud of myself....making a small bold step in my life today. I know it is a small step, really, but I know that I want to work in a servant/ care-taker job position somewhere....the best way to start was to go sign up for courses. I do not know where God will lead me to apply for a job at.....or why I felt I just HAD to go sign up for First Aid and CPR courses. I have been fighting against taking (really telling my momma that I didn't need to all these years...) these courses for years, and yet I just knew that I need to. So I am signed up.

I am joyful in the small steps. I am joyful in that I know, in the midst of my fears, letting them go and letting my God make moves in my life is the way to really make a life MOVE. Did I mention that my laptop was fixed this week and that I did not get charged for it! It was going to cost a lot of money to fix it, what with my computer being destroyed by 3 ravaging Trojan Horse viruses. God is good......Mr. Zo is so awesome....he fixed my laptop! I am rambling, but I am so excited about taking the courses next month, getting my laptop fixed and just knowing that My King will lead me to make the right Moves if I will cast my cares upon Him!

I'm Singing!
-Daughter of the King

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