Bent Beneath

  • Bent beneath my worldly load I give it all to HIM.
  • He holds His hand outstretched for me...offering my insatiable thirst it's needed drink.
  • I seek a hope and a peace, which are only found within HIM.
  • I'm striving to feel your Spirit within. I only ever long to hear your voice speaking to my soul. Will you begin to speak Lord?
  • I'm feeling bent beneath this worldly load that's seemingly been shoved down my throat.
  • Your hand remains open to grasp mine. All the time You are near when my cares weigh me down.
  • I am no longer bent beneath the world and it's vices. When I climb into Your hand...You alone satisfy all living things. My God You are enough for me!

~Psalm 145:14-16~

Vivid Dreams

Weird title huh? Well...I thought my dream was a little too vivid and weird for me too last night. I woke up not too long ago...I got about 11 hours of sleep last night. Last night was the best I have slept in tossing and turning like a waking up 10 times for no apparent reason only to lay there wide awake in the darkness for hours on end. I had a total of four different dreams. I'll share only the one itself it is the longest I won't bore you with the others too.

Here I go...

"Vivid Dream:"
I am standing in a mountain valley with thousands and thousands of other people surrounding me, awaiting directions, as I was also. Someones loud voice booms out over the valley, although we cannot see him/her, and we all divide into different groups... somehow we just instinctively know which group is ours. Once I reach my group, which is marked by a black flag that waves on the wind I stand there looking around. I glimpse a young man (*Jared*) in front of me to my right walking up the last stretch of the hill, he's walking toward me with a smile on his face. Then another young man (he appears to be a doctor) comes up to me from behind me, turns me around, and throws his arms around my neck and continues to try and hold me while I turn my head and try to release myself from his grasp...all the while I am looking for the first young man.

The androgynous voice again calls to us all...divided amongst randomly colored, blue, green, red, yellow, and black we listen awaiting instructions intently. The voice directs us into rooms that are carved out from underneath the rock along the base of the mountain range. I begin to walk steadily forward. Scared and uncertain of what is about to begin...I had finally gotten out of the grasp of the young doctor. And the other young man made it into my color group, as well as the doctor too. We, and all the colored flags, all disappear into our labyrinth bunker/ hold/style rooms.

We begin to put our armor on in this cold labyrinth. Covered from head to toe in a dark iridescently black full body armor assemblage....I stand there still in fear. We are given guns...I strap them to my back...they click into place in their holsters and I feel the slight pressure of two hand guns strapped down at my hips. I begin to feel the haunting phantom, of sheer horror spreading across my face. My mind races as to wondering what will happen to us next. Will I make it out of here? Will the young man make it out of here, and what about the young doctor?

We are given instructions underground, in the metal enclosed, dank darkness, by a middle aged red headed woman with a strange foreign I cannot place. "This is the beginning of the war. You are to fight against the other colors...and then you will show yourselves" the strange woman says loudly for all of our color to hear. The woman with the accent picks a leader out of our group. He is very tall and handsome...and that is all I know of him to be....I cannot see his face clearly in the dark...only the handsome outline of his rugged face. The accented woman drapes a shawl/scarf-like thing over the chosen leader's is crimson red...the color of freshly spilt blood. I am frightened...of the unknown things that lie outside this labyrinth hold. Guns in both my hands I start walking, trying to get a glimpse of that familiar face from the hill. I walk toward the light.

A door to the right side of the labyrinth stone hold opens...and we begin to walk out into the tunnels. We are scared, not sure of how things are going to go down...scared that we will lose this fight...which we have no reason of knowing what it is even about. My team decides to stand strong...and not to shoot at anyone at all...not even once. Why are we supposed to kill the other "bad" colors I think to myself?

I do not remember much about what goes on outside once we get out of the doors of the labyrinth. Only that my particular colored team finally makes it to another underground bunker...after our chosen leader has fallen...many others are shot to smithereens by a machine gun. I couldn't save them, and so I ran. My fellow black colored troops drape our fallen comrades shawl over my shoulders and declare me the leader. Very few of us make it out alive...massacred by the other colors. I as the new leader lead my troops out of battle and even further underground to ride it out in the quiet still darkness. We can see the others' feet from where we hide, we can hear them talking...they are coming for us...or so we think.

Then that neither male nor female voice says "It is finished. Show Yourselves." I get to a large golden pyramid...somehow...with only about 25-30 of my black many have fallen. I don not know how I got to the pyramid from where we were it just sort of happened. "The Black", as we are now called, walks for about two miles deep down into this pyramid.

At the end of the golden bridge, down into the pyramid, a beautiful Egyptian woman/pharaoh-ess sits upon a throne. I see each of the colored leaders there all represented by someone, whether replaced with like I was or the original leaders of their colors. The team leader before me goes up to this Egyptian queen and she asks of him "What God do you stand here for?" "Bow down and make sacrifice to me." I did not hear the leader's response, but he proceeded to step forward and bow down then he "made sacrifice of his blood to her." I am called up next...and again she asks "What God do you stand here for?" I respond quickly, not willing to bow down to her, not even under the pain of death..."My God is the 'Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi'...Jesus Christus!"

And then I woke up from this very vivid weird imaginative dream. I didn't watch anything like this...ever...nor do I read about stuff like I dunno. It freaked me out...

Reflections From My Window

  • A lake of sullen tears. The choppy waves pulling me near. Shall I be swept away to a mountain creek or a mighty ocean? I sit and contemplate...thinking I think too much. And yet I continue to remain alone in this melancholy silence.
  • Trees are swaying in the wind and rain. Inside my emotions are swimming to be free. Bring me your peace dear Jesus, and my wounds, they will heal.
  • Remember me Jesus, will you? For I love you with all of my heart and soul! Don't ever let go!
  • The rain is falling ever so heavier, can I take this pounding? Life's pounding.
  • Dead are the leaves on the ground, and new are the leaves waiting to burst forth from the branches of the trees...yet they are lying dormant hidden within their shell...they'll come to grow well in the Spring.
  • Beauty is seen, and how to live life is found.
  • You are the voice I hear in the breeze, flowing through the trees.
  • You are not unseen My Lord, but seen through your natural beauty. And so I sit...I must let myself be.

    {For: Jared} I wrote this poem a while ago, but when I read your last e-mail I thought to myself I know exactly how he feels. And so I was reminded of this old poem...I dug it out of my old poetry notebook and thought I'd post it just for you!

"Heartstring's Released"

  • I'm releasing the hold on my guarded wall is beginning to fall down. I've got to put my heart out there on the line...I know I'll be fine. It will only happen in patient time.
  • I've held my heart too close to my chest for far too long. My heart has been on lock-down...and I never even realized the threat posed to myself.
  • My heart has been stifled, suffocated, and strapped down to my chest once upon a time. It was never at rest...never not guarded.
  • I'm insecure...wondering what I am going to be prepared for? Vulnerable. I'm awaiting the inevitable cracked open chest. I'm now willing again to let heart's on a gambler's roll.
  • I'm a lady in waiting...only for you...a hopeful romantic am I. Let no other imposter steal my heart away. I can't bare to fall apart once again.
  • I'm patiently waiting. I don't want just any guy...the proverbial fling. I only need my Mr. Darcy...the real true thing.
  • "God help me traverse the waiting with patience...lead me to 'him' when we're ready!"
  • My heartstrings released...

~Psalm 37:4-6~


  • I cannot think of a word to say. Words come rapidly to my mind, although not defined. It's only a matter of time.
  • To you I say, be honest and true, you know you want to.
  • A thought I cannot shake. A move I must now make.
  • What more can I say? I am at peace when asleep. You've driven the Hell Hounds away from me.
  • I am free and at ease. I don't have to speak...but you make me want to.
  • I love the feeling of being awake, no longer is it a drag, to oblige the passing time.
  • Being this awake, feels like such a crime. I'm like an insomniac who can't break the habit.
  • Don't want it to end...I've found a way to begin.
  • Keep me awake. I don't want there to be an end.

The Brother's Griffis & A Princess

Yesterday I babysat for a new family for the first time. The children were wonderful! I could not have asked for more well mannered, and more articulate intelligent children than they were! I just love kids they are so quirky, for instance Wyatt said "You know that we have a Brownie in our house?" I said "What?" Wyatt responded back as soon as I spoke "A Brownie is a little elf like creature...I leave him honey with crackers, and once there was a trail of crumbs leading up towards our wall. You know you should not say anything insulting about the Brownie, because then he will turn into a Boggart." I laughed, but Wyatt was indeed serious. If you know anything about mythological creatures I am sure you have heard of a Boggart, but a Brownie, now that creature I hadn't remembered ever hearing about...anyhow...

They do not watch tv...only movies...and they read voraciously which explains a lot. I really got a kick out of the youngest boy, Wyatt, who would ask me if for an instance if I liked Dragons and Knights etc. and I would respond "Well, yes. Wyatt I do...I have written stories myself on those two very things!" and then Wyatt would dissapear into the boys' room and return with a book on the very subject. This like and dislike quizzing game went on for about 15 minutes...turns out Wyatt and I have a lot in common. :)

There is something about working with children...I am telling you when I am working with children I know that is what I was meant to do. To work with and take care of such wonderful, respectful, intelligent and articulate children is such a joy to me!

Addy is the only girl, very quiet and loving towards her brothers. She is definitely like the sweet mother hen over her brothers when her mother is away. There is nothing sweeter than a little Addy...playing with her barbie dolls, holding them with such care and respect...combing their long locks of hair until smooth and soft. Addy is truly a beautiful daughter of the King...a real Princess.

Willie, is quiet and mysterious, yet a joker I believe, underneath it all. Willie shows such a strong care and compassion for his siblings, you can tell that he would do anything for them. His compassionate heart is so very precious!

Matthew, the oldest of four, is very quiet, strong, and caring, and is also very compassionate. Matthew likes to work with wood out in the back of the house in the woods, he is currently working on carving out a bow from large tree branches, and he has already made some arrows. A true craftsman is Matthew. Matthew must be where Willie, Addy and Wyatt have learned that exemplary example of caring, kindness and compassion. I have never seen such a mature young man as Matthew. I am sure the children's parents have had a lot to do with how the children behave too!

Their family is so closely bonded and knitted each one of their faces you get a glimpse of pure joy. Wyatt and Addy took me around their property, down by the creek and the was so beautiful. I gained pure joy in their joy, and in their freeness out in nature. I wish I had had my camera with me...I would have loved to have taken a picture of Wyatt, barefoot running alongside and through the stream with his two big black dogs.

People are where true beauty lies...because of their Creator's heart and is within them. I am so blessed to have gotten to know more wonderful children...who shape me as a young woman of God. I just thank you so much Lord for giving me another job right now!

You Know The Part In Fairy Tales,
God's Princess (Well that is what my name means after all!)

In Memoriam-Travis Hames

"Those things that hurt, instruct." -Benjamin Franklin

One year ago today, Travis Hames, a young man from our old church congregation passed away in a car accident. I still don't understand why God let him die, he was such a sweet bright-blue-eyed young man who had so much more life to live. I was at work when I had found out that Travis had died, I so badly wanted to just sit down and melt into the floor into a puddle of my held back tears. I waited until I got home from work, and then the tears, and the words in my heart were borne.

To: Travis ~ From: Sarah
Lord, I don't know why you called him home.Why was it his time to die? We'll never again see his bright blue eyes, ever so only left pictured in our minds.

To leave ever drawing nearer friends. Leaving them
in anguish and despair. Let their hearts rest reassured in Your peace, that passes all our understanding.

Never will we understand...he was so young, yet more
life to live. He's in his father's hands now, that's all we needed to know. It must have been your will...

I only regret one thing, when I think of Travis Hames.
I'm sorry Lord, I never got past my fears and shy timidity. Talking to guys, in general, has never been really easy for me to do.

I could've just befriended him, it didn't have to be something
more. I'm sorry that I didn't know he's with You. I regret not seeking a I've lost my chance.

When I felt you Lord slightly strum on my heartstrings...
telling me that "He would make a great friend for you"I should've listened.

I could see his kind soul, it was You shining through! You
could tell just from standing in his presence that his heart belonged to You My King!

No more regrets...I'll listen to my heartstrings when You
strum from now on. I will run towards which friends you have placed in my mind and heart. I'll run towards what You My King are calling me to do.

I am not going to back down any more, paralyzed by
shy timidity that is not of You My King. No more letting potential friends slip away...there is no telling when you will call them home. No longer will I hold my heart strapped down within my chest.

No longer
will I stand frozen, in the midst of waiting...move me where you want to!

Lord, Jesus, thank you for your saving grace...because
of your atonement Travis Hames is home.

{Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, Philippians 4:7, & Psalm 61:2.
In Memoriam Travis Kent Hames 10-22-08}

"May the angels lead you into paradise." -Simon Birch

The Firebird King (Psalm 91:4)

  • He covers me the Mighty Firebird. With His strong feathered crimson wings, He enthralls me wholly in evil cannot grasp me.
  • I find shelter in the ruby shadows of His feathery warm embrace. My heart becomes as one with His, in our longing sweet embrace.
  • His faithful promises are my armour & my protection. He's promised me so many things. Yet I, the undeserving daughter, am held by Him... amazed at His love for me.
  • Fire streaks across the sky, as I fly along, not alone, to shine the light.
  • I will not fear the terrors of the night, for I am wrapped up tight in His mighty wings.
  • Nor shall I fear the arrow that flies by day, trying to shoot me down out of the sky.
  • He's always flying alongside...the guard of my heart & soul...always at the ready.
  • The pestilence that stalks in darkness stands no chance against my King!
  • Bring me peace, oh Firebird King, embrace me always in the shelter of your wings!
  • Help me to see the light, in the dead of night. Be the one who holds me forever, rocking me gently into peaceful sleep.

The Ram is on it's Way

Weird title? Yes, I know it is! This morning while sitting alone in the silence...devotion time...what a wonderful message was brought forth to my attention. I have never thought about the story in Genesis chapter 22 the way I have this morning. The story was the one where Abraham is asked to sacrifice his only son Issac (perhaps a foreshadowing of the events to come? ...Jesus' atonement?)

These are some of the verses I read this morning: Genesis 22 (BIG emphasis on verse 14), Psalm 22:5, & Psalm 91 (another BIG emphasis on verse 4.)

For every heart wrenching step Abraham made towards Moriah, to do what God had commanded him to do, a ram was also taking a step, unseen & Unbeknownst to Abraham, but nonetheless the ram was walking alongside to step in at that pivotal moment to save Issac's life.

I believe as I take blind steps in my own faith, even when they are hard and darkened steps, there is also a ram of my own...following to protect me...leading towards the light!

God is already planning for our provision. I choose to trust God today. A ram is on the way.

Bitterness Bites

Okay...lesson I have something to say.

Bitterness totally bites! Over the last few months I have been upset, angry, stressed out to the max, not sleeping well, and having nightmares every night. Oh! and did I mention the bitterness within my daily life and actions? The reason for all of this drama in my life was because of some church gossip that had gotten around about me and my was quite hurtful and devastating to my family and I.

Nonetheless the most sincerest act of grace was needed for me to start the healing process: FORGIVENESS. Jesus did not owe me grace and forgiveness and yet he did what his Father called him to do and he sacrificed himself feelings and ALL! To some this may sound easy...the act of forgiveness. I thought so too. I had thought I was fine over the past few months (even though my wise Momma knew that I was not completely okay...that something was eating at her once joy filled daughter), that I had forgiven the family who slandered my family and myself...boy was I wrong! I had thought I had forgiven them...but the anger and hurt continued to radiate within me; eating me alive...consuming my every day...a real joy-kill.

While I was away on my mini vacation this past week in Florida God began to weave some tattered threads back together in my heart. Although I have been sick since I have returned home, the joy has returned...even in the form of tears of the deep love that I still have for the family who wronged me and my family. I love them...still...forgiveness came upon my heart. What they said still wounds me to my very core, but I cannot change what they have said, I can only change myself and love them as Christ would. They are my brother's and sister in Christ.

God used my time away from "my little world at home" to speak to my hardened heart. God spoke to me through a podcast sermon titled "Offended-part 1" from my old hometown church (Manna Church.) In the message Pastor Fletcher had stated that "offense offends me." "Wow, what a powerful statement..." I thought to myself. I realized that not forgiving this particular family was eating me alive, it was stealing my joy and consuming all that I was. For weeks and weeks I had been having dreams about the harassing phone calls I had gotten and the heart dissevering e-mails that the family had sent me...they were the so called "Hell-Hounds" of my every dream for months.

While in Florida, after listening to the sermon (which you can download for FREE from I-Tunes, just type in Manna Church Podcast...look for the series entitled 'Offended' there are 4 parts to the sermon series.) I prayed to God that morning, afternoon, and then before I went to bed, awaiting the family to hound me in my dreams once again I prayed to God: "God this person holds no power over me whatsoever, and this person has no power over my heart or my mind...etc." That night was the first night in a long time that I did not dream about them jeering or screaming at me, or lying about me and my family. My soul was finally at ease because of two things: (1) Prayer time with God & (2) Forgiveness/Grace.

I didn't deserve forgiveness and grace from God for my human sin nature, but HE forgave me entirely and loves me unconditionally. So now I will choose, not to forget what has happened, but to move on and forgive them...for justice is not mine to be carry out on my own...God will give me justice. Forgiveness, love, and grace are all that I hold in my personal arsenal of weapons against the adversaries: Satan, anger, and bitterness.

Bitterness Absolved!

Nothing Much To Say

Sometimes it is just enough to sit...for yourself to remain quiet in the stillness.... So that is what I am doing. I have been very contemplative since I have returned from my 5 day trip from Florida. I have thought a lot, prayed a lot, laughed a lot, and thankfully I have not cried a lot while I was on my trip! I know I am being rather elusive in this blog entry...but that is where I am at right now. I am in the still, quiet, thoughtful silence of my mind and heart. My thoughts and all that have been revealed to me by God are not yet ready to be borne, in this particular blog entry.

When I have more to say...and I have digested all of these many lost swimming thoughts in my, my blog readers will be the first to hear about it.

I have been sick all day today (Sushi? or Stress from the trip?), so as I leave you now I am headed once again back to the couch...this time to watch "X-Men Origins: Wolverine."

Silence is everything,

Autumnal Quotes

"Believe in yourself, your neighbors, your work, your ultimate attainment of more complete happiness. It is only the farmer who faithfully plants seeds in the Spring, who reaps a harvest in Autumn." -B.C. Forbes

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like Autumn leaves." -John Muir

"Delicious Autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive Autumns." -George Eliot

"No Spring nor Summer Beauty hath such grace As I have seen in one Autumnal face." -John Donne

"The smile that flickers on baby's lips when he sleeps-does anybody know where it was borne? Yes, there is a rumor that a young pale beam of a crescent moon touched the edge of a vanishing Autumn cloud, and there the smile was first born..." -Rabindranath Tagore

"Every season hath its pleasures;
Spring may boast her flowery prime,
Yet the vineyard's ruby treasures
Brighten Autumn's sob'rer time."
-Thomas Moore

Anberlin, Autumn, And Awesome Boots! of my most cherished and beloved months that I enjoy! Momma and I have pulled out the fall decorations, the old quilts, and my tea pots. We have been indulging ourselves with the company of our few and dear kindred spirit's, as well as a hot cup of apple cider now and again. I simply love this time of month, for it's beauty and charm as well as the feeling of simplicity that follows me in the Autumn season.

I travelled to Grandfather Mountain this past Wednesday, along with my Momma, sister Mary, "Momma #2" Lynette and my "bubby" Henry. We had so much fun together hiking and viewing all that God's creative hands had created for us to see and to take in and appreciate. It was beauty in it's rarest, and finest (at least I think so) of forms. At over more than 5,000 feet above sea level up in the air, your mind journey's to somewhere else, and you yourself find that you are transformed in a sort of way that is indescribable! (I would post more pictures...but there are about 400+ of I won't be adding them!)

I've listened to all of my Anberlin cd's today. As I sat there and listened, I recounted numerous emotions I had felt and memories that were tied to certain songs around this time last year... some good and some not so good. Nonetheless I love the band seems I listen to them more in Autumn. I wonder why that is? Anyway...

Did I mention it is long sleeve shirt, sweater, hoodie, jeans, jacket, and boots weather? I am a freak when it comes to boots! I have six pairs of boots...and if I had more money, well, you can guess what I would be buying!!! :) My favorite pair of boots happen to be my Pesaro's that I have owned and loved now for over 5 years! They have seen me through many life experiences, as well as having walked on many a mountain top...they have carried my tired feet through many seasons, including the emotional and life changing ones.

The Mountains are so beautiful this time of year...they are even more vibrant in the month of November, however. I have already done quite a bit of "Mountain Meandering" in the last two months. I know that I will never be done with exploring the mountains in which I now live. God is one brilliant artist and I am a fan of his I will continually be keeping up with and viewing his live portfolio!

As I close out this random-autumnal-meandering-blog entry...I hope you will also take the time to come and visit me up here in my beautiful mountains! I am sure that my family and I would love to have you! (You might want to call first that I can polish my hiking boots, and plan to prepare a lovely meal for you whilst you are here visiting!)

Will you humor me and do me a favor? Go on outside...breathe in deep...yes my friend's that is the scent of colorful-autumnal-beauty! Enjoy it, and thank our King for it!

Have a happy Fall ya'll! (so cliched...hehe!)

P.S.- The picture above is titled "See no evil, Speak no evil, Hear no evil" (My sister Mary, Myself and My brother Henry, sitting in front of Split Rock, in Grandfather Mountain.)