the peace seeker

                                                                                                   Source: via sarah on Pinterest

This becoming peace-seeker is hard.

I've been tried so many times already.
Worries and stress try to consume this frightened, and yet emboldened flesh of mine.

It's not the lifestyle, or even the choice of seeking out peace on a daily basis that frightens me. 

What frightens me most is that I often times don't trust in God enough to be my peace-bringer.

But how can I not trust the Prince of Peace to bring me peace when HE IS PEACE? 

I've had fear prowling around my camp of peace for weeks now, the camp that I've been seeking to build up around myself in twenty-twelve.

I've felt sprinklings of peace prickling my flesh, but my heart still fears all the same.

"It's because her faith is too small," HE whispers, gently, repetitively. 

I fear the unknown.
I fear the next step. 

I fear putting my trust in God. But why? 
I fear losing what little control I think I have over my life. 

I fear that I won't be able to find my own arcadia. 
                                                                      I fear all the time, but God never does.

There are so many I's and I want's and I will's and not enough prayers and petitions uttered, asking Him to set me free.

Maybe that's where the problem lies...

This lacking, of trust and the daily pursuit of peace. 

It lies with me...

With this me me me and I I I attitude that is ridden with doubt and laced with ugly dirty fears. 

And then my peace-bringer softly calls to me.

"Surrender your fears and trust I AM. Grow this small mustard seed of faith, little one. The seed of faith and trust that I've given you myriad glimpses of."

Yes, sweet release.
 I must trust Him more, yearning and longing deeper still. 

It's then I'll find my place of peace, when my being becomes a true trusting peace-seeker. 
When I learn to live surrendered, on a more deeply planted mustard seed faith. 

Oh, but to let go and find peace! 

This is my heart's desire.

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