why did i have a meltdown? well, i finally broke down because life has just been too much for me to handle lately. at least it's been too much for me to handle all on my own (which i found out later. it was through my meltdown that i realized that i can't be an island unto myself any longer.) but yesterday i totally snapped. i slid down to my knees, landing abruptly on the floor under my desk, and i just wept. i was tired of being the strong one. the one who doesn't cry and who doesn't seem like she has any problems to the world around her. i was tired of feeling like i was lying to everyone, myself included, by telling myself over and over again that i was okay and saying that i was when i wasn't to those around me.
honestly, work has been really stressful lately (what with numbers-to-crunch-me and the shortage of hours.) my relationships between my parents and my boyfriend have been a bit rocky and strained recently, and it seems as if adult life is swallowing me whole. right now i don't feel whole. i feel like there's a giant hole that's ripped it's way into my life. that hole, i believe, is having a lack of trust in others. ashamedly i've not gone to God enough with my heart cries, my many questions and my petitions.
i've not trusted God with the deepest parts of me as much as i should. i mean, i pray and read my bible, but really trusting that my God is BIGGER and believing that HE will lead me out of all of this chaos is something i've not done enough of lately. and yesterday was a result of those many stifled and chaotic feelings and lack of trust in HIM and my loved ones. and it all just crumpled together into a giant mess-of-me-meltdown. words and prayer with my king were all that kept me sane after my insane meltdown.
and i'm happy to say that after much prayer time with my king i feel much better. and of course talking to my love on the phone helped too. (poor guy. i think i stressed him out BIG TIME. i'm sorry honey!) i even talked to my mother this morning about some things that were bothering me, and now that i have i feel so much more at ease! whew. lord, thank you for breakdowns and new morning mercies!
i feel like my breakdown was a beautiful thing after all, albeit chaotic and unneeded in some ways, too. i'm ashamed to say that i even had a mini panic attack and a huge meltdown. i'm afraid to let you see this more flawed part of me. especially when i'm the young woman who prides herself on being the strong one, the one who longs to inspire others and who searches for the answers to her many questions with a passion that is unmatched. and half the time, i admit, that these inspiring words that you read here on my blog are not only for you, they are written for my soul's release and sanity too. these words that i write, painful though they may be at times, are my anchor. they are an anchor that tethers my soul to God.
i'm learning through this meltdown that i had yesterday, and this reflection of jumbled thoughts that i am releasing here right now, for you and i both to ponder and savor.
this was my prayer yesterday to my Jesus; that which calmed and anchored my soul:
Dear Lord, thank you for breakdowns, the releasing of tears and wounds, joys to be found and for my love who listens graciously. Please help me to remember to remain patient, to grow stronger and to listen for your voice resounding amongst the whir of unstable emotions and feelings. Help me to become a woman who lives daringly for you, in the harder times and in easier times. In Jesus' name amen.