This past week was crazy. And I don't mean crazy in that I went to a zillion places and did a zillion things either. I mean crazy as in it has been a crazy-hard week emotionally. Every girl has one of those types of week once in a while, right? Please, tell me I'm not the only one!
“Because God has made us for Himself, our hearts are restless until they rest in Him.”
I feel as if I've been scrambling frantically after my peace. It's like I forgot what peace was and where I could get it or something. Funny thing is I know who/what/when/where (minus the why) my peace is. And it's been so hard trying to get back in the groove of remembering where to find it and learning day by day how to constantly live the life of a peace-seeker.
Honestly, my peace never waned. My peace never left me. I simply forgot to look to God. To my own beloved peace-bringer. I'm pretty sure He's gotten used to patiently waiting on me to snap out of my muddled mind for ages now, so that I could continuously and constantly focus on Him. Goodness, my Jesus must have some kind of patience!
Why did I forget to look? Well, here are some lame human excuses...
There's been family drama and many tears and fretting over mine and J's uncertain future. And then there are those feeling's that I am not enough or that I do not have enough right now that have doggedly plagued me. I've also struggled with absent words and concentrating on writing in my WIP novel, which has lead to frustration so fierce that I just want to scream and give up. (I won't do either, so don't worry!) To answer the question that I'm sure has found it's way into your mind, NO, it has not been a total whine-fest, but it has been a really stressful week for me as far as restlessness and emotional breakdown's are concerned.
So there...yes, up there ^^...those are my excuses as to why I've been too busy to find peace lately. Pretty lame, I know. And I agree with you if you thought so. My personal prayer time and devotion time has waned within the last couple of weeks, and to be completely honest I feel empty, and so does my peace-tank (if I had one that is.) I'm frustrated and at a loss with what to study in my Bible and what to even pray about some days. I'd love to find another devotional, but I don't even know where to begin to look for one that will truly speak to me right now (yes, I know, this is coming from the young woman who recommends devotionals and books all day long at her job? Crazy, right?)
(( Do you have any devo book suggestions? If so PLEASE comment or e-mail me. I'd love to hear your suggestions!))
You know, these are the things I know to be true about myself, but tend to forget and bury deep down inside me until a near mental breakdown occurs, or a crazy week like this past one... I am impatient. I am easily wounded. I am a recovering worry-wart. I am afraid of being alone. I am fickle (or so says my boyfriend.) I am an introvert. I am a load of contradictions. I am easily stressed out. I am always restless.
But those things that add to my stress are only a tiny part of me. Those things do not define me completely. I am still the good kind of restless. I am still the peace-seeker. I am still trusting in God and His plan for me and my family and my J. I am still the strong one in the midst of feeling weakness because God is always on my side and who can stand against me!? Stress cannot bring me down unless I let it. Seeing all of this craziness as a bad thing is exactly what Satan would have me do. But I am choosing not to. I choose to be restless, in a good manner, instead of stressed beyond all measure. I choose to embrace my faults and crazy emotions and let them loose whenever I feel the need to. I choose to embrace peace and seek after it, because that is what I know I need right now.
(And I ramble a lot because it is freeing and therapeutic. Oh, me!)
Somewhere along the way, and over the last couple of weeks, I forgot to accept that it is okay for me to feel restless, because that is just who I am. I am the restless girl who cries and vents and then feels okay and super inspired and giddy with joy the next day. This is just one of those heightened restless seasons that I have to try and brave it through. I know I will be okay and stronger on the other side. I just have to remind myself to remain uncertain, to be more than and to become peace-seeker reborn every morning when my feet hit the floor.