I Am The Silence

i am the silent one, currently. the restless one, always. 
the one who is now scraping by throughout her days, so full of testing and tempering. 

i am wildly in search of joy, wildly in great need of it.

and somehow i forget to glance around for the gifts to behold. and i fail miserably to count it all grace, to name them, to list them, to count the many gifts i see.

i struggle to live out this chosen one word: peace. 
it rings simple, and it is true. i want to be a peace-seeker.

desperately. ever so desperately.
i want this elusive thing, this being of peace, caged and housed within me.

and i struggle daily to live this newborn eucharisteo life, because it has become harder for me to see through this silence, this fogged life-haze.  

and yet i keep count anyway, despite the black.
i count gifts given, and thank Him back.

and yet i still scrounge for joy and hope in this silent place.
i wrestle for answers when silence and encompassing thoughts are all there is.

i am silent, as my words seem to fail me here. my dreams, my plans, they are attacked by vicious lies, lies spewed forth from the vociferous viper. he is hungry, the harbinger of death, for this soul, my soul. the soul that wants to count it all joy, to live peacefully. to fly.

no, i am not done releasing words and heart and soul here in this place. this, my place of solace and sanctuary. this is my temple of sweet release. i find myself in words written first, and then He speaks. and then He speaks.

i pray until my eyelids are heavy laden, rimmed raw with salty bitter fears released, and then He comes. and then He comes.

i am the silent one, having simply taken time to breathe. to seek out my Lord. oh, and He speaks. oh, how He speaks over me...such marvelous things. He proclaims boldly a future and hope and a joy for me, all my own.

He is there. my joy, my stream in this darkened desert place.
and He speaks of a future as I remain silent before Him now.

new challenges have found their way to me. and many choices to come have shown themselves. these burdens...or are they gifts?...are being prayed and poured and wept over ten fold. but what choices and steps shall i make now, dear One?

your knees. my knees. i seek. He seeks.
my heart cries out from this bottomed-out desert place, and i make my plea. 
and i know He has a plan for me, His restless child.

and He answers me, in a myriad of ways, ways of which i could never foresee.
through thin highlighter-ridden pages, sweet song, scrawled words and a prayer on lips of a daring warrioress on my behalf.

oh, how He begins to move in this time of silence.

the viper flees at the sound of His name, slithering off with my fears gnashing at its heel.
i have been made stronger in Him through my weakness.
 though i know the testing and questions will continue, i feel at peace.

i do. yes, i do feel at peace, at ease.
so full of joy, covered in gifts of time and family and love.
then this silence falls, if only for a moment.

in this constant battle, this ebb and flow, i am made free.



i. am. free.

yes, i find Him when i'm on my knees. i find Him when i'm in this silent, dark place. 
i find Him when perspectives become shaped anew, and worry dies to beget no more suffering.

He is my peace-bringer, my joy-bringer, my hope-bringer.
and He speaks to those who are fallen silent before Him, always.


{linking up imperfection with emily today. won't you join us there?}

7 comments:

  1. this is beautiful...prayers abound for you this day!

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    1. thank you for those prayers, rachel!

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  2. extraordinarily beautiful sarah. did you do the art in this piece? praying... for that joy to flood you.

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    1. aw, thank you! as much as i would love to claim that watercolour piece as my own, sadly, it is not. i have joined a creative group of artists and writers and photographers recently, and through this group i have started to really spread my wings and i have even tried my hand at zen tangling. art posts will be sure to come though, rest assured.

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  3. I feel the desperateness and the longing and the beauty in these words. Praying He would fill and flood and overwhelm you with His love.

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  4. this is lovely to absorb. Thanks.

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  5. Sarah-dear, this is loveliness and beauty and paralyzing honesty all wrapped up into box tied with twine. I absorbed every word (Kath picked a great verb) and almost cried over it all. Thank you for sharing this and for being the peace-seeker we all look up to.

    And, gracious, who is that daring warrioress?

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