she speaks, HE speaks

Today I am linking up to Lysa TerKeurst's blog.  I am really super excited about writing this post for a shot at receiving a She Speaks Scholarship (graciously given by: Cecil Murphey.) First and foremost I am excited about this chance because I have no idea where writing this post will lead me, and secondly because as a fledgling writer I hope to further myself in my beloved craft of word-smithing and inspirational writing for the Lord and His daughters and sons; and writing this post gives me a small glimmer of hope and ultimately a shot at fulfilling these hopes and dreams! I may not know where my dreams of becoming a better writer will all lead me, but that matters not, because I know that whatever I do and wherever I go in life He will surely lead me. 

About The She Speaks Conference:

The She Speaks Conference is a weekend long conference for women that will be held July 22-24 in lovely Concord, North Carolina for women who want to become better speakers, writers and leaders for God. Included during the writer's weekend are: breakout sessions, inspiring speakers to be heard and to glean wisdom from, opportunities to meet with book publishers and editors, and writing peer groups to critique your own writings, etc. Now this is only the writer's portion of the conference, but there is so much more going on than just what I've listed above. There will also be parts of She Speaks Conference that are geared more towards the striving speaker and the many women who have a heart for ministry and want to learn to be better leaders in Him.

To find out more info about the She Speaks 2011 Conference please click here.

Why I Am Writing This Post, Right Here, Right Now:

After years of not wanting to let go of my dreams of becoming an inspirational writer, a full time piano teacher, a future wife and a future mother to the Lord (as I well should've long ago) I am finally beginning to see that I need to let go to become a better me all around. I know that He holds my world and dreams in His hands, and that all along, even when I could not see, my loved ones around me have held my best interests at heart; in their prayers for me and in their many moments of wisdom spoken aloud to my most of the time half-closed ears. They have stood beside me and now it is my time to rise and stand on my own two feet. Let me explain a little more in depth for you about how I came to this conclusion and understanding of my desperately needing to let go of my writer's dreams for you, okay?

"Letting go of your dreams does not simply mean that there is no longer a reason to strive after them to dream of them still, no, it means handing them over to Him to hold close until He brings them about in your life when the Season is right."

For years I've heard my dear momma go on and on about how I should check into Proverbs 31 Ministries and She Seeks (for us Twenty-Somethings) because of how their ministries have touched my her heart on a daily basis. For a couple of years now I've read both of these separately, yet united ministries, devotionals regularly at the suggestion of my momma. I've really been inspired by these devotionals and of the transparency of the many beautiful women who write for Proverbs 31 Ministries and She Seeks. I've dreamed about writing inspirational every-day Christ centered posts for women of all ages for as long as I can remember, just like the many talented women who write the posts that I've come to greatly enjoy reading over time. I love being inspired by the writer's of P31, and only I hope that one day I too will be blessed in being able to do the same types of devotional writing myself!

My Epiphany Moment, At Long Last:

My momma realized that I needed to be reading Proverbs 31 and other Godly women writers who write daily inspirational posts like I desperately want to do some day, and honestly she's always held my best interest at heart, even though I didn't really see her suggestions of "what to read" and constant e-mails about different sites and writer's as love and wisdom neatly packaged together for my best interests. All of this was realized this past Monday evening, when at long last an epiphany that my momma had been praying that I'd get for a very long time now would finally strike me and my heart like a Holy 2x4 to the head.

My epiphany came this past Monday evening when I was sitting at my desk, computer opened to a random internet tab, while talking to my love, Jared, on the phone. I was spinning around in my office chair and my eyes caught a stack of DVD's and a book on my bookshelf as I spun around for another go, and as I did I caught a glimpse of the title of those items at long last. It was a stack of a College Writer's Courses that my momma had purchased for me last year, a book and two DVD's that I will admit, albeit sheepishly, that I have never even once cracked into or studied for one mere moment.

As the books caught my attention, Jared's words began to fade away and I began to slide down onto the floor, landing next to a pile of magazines that I had been meaning to go through and put away on my bookshelf. One of the magazines was laying face up and caught my attention immediately. It was a copy of the May 2010 issue of Proverbs 31 Woman that my momma had originally laid on my dresser, because she had said that it was a really good issue and she thought that it might speak to my heart and help me with my wanting to be an inspirational writer one day. I didn't flip through that magazine at the time that my momma gave it to me either, just like I also had not paid much attention to those dvds or book on writing either.

"I've always loved to write, I just never have made a move towards it because I didn't realize that my God is BIG enough to equip me with the skills to do so, if it is His will, and if I will seek out the means to chase my writer's dreams across the fields of time."

I picked up the magazine from the floor, holding it in my arms and laid it on my desk next to my computer. Then my epiphany struck. I had only just the day before talked (irritatedly) with my momma about her not hearing me out and understanding what my dreams are. I didn't understand why she and my dad are having issues with trusting me right now with what I daily say that I am going to do, but never actually purpose myself to do. After having had my epiphany moment  I can totally understand where my parent's frustrations and lack of trust lie.

I have so much to prove to them, and so many things yet to do for the Lord with all that He has given me as a newly now-stepping-out adult. Praise Him for epiphanies and second chances! (...and rainy days, newfound opportunities, Starbucks coffee, devotionals, owl figurines, new desks, vintage books and the band Leeland that all make me smile and get the ball rolling once again by realizing that I have so many things to let go and lots of other things which I must start working towards. Last but not least it's an amazing feeling having the opportunity to write a post for this She Speaks 2011 Scholarship Contest! Whew! I am getting sidetracked, sorry about that!) 

So with these thoughts of my not-so-much-gone-after-dreams lingering over my head, the hopes that I've been entertaining as of late, my parents lack of trust in me and the gifts of love and wisdom that my family has been trying to show me from the very beginning to help jump-start my dreams into a reality, I slid back into my chair, phone barely clinging to my ear, my heart became enlightened and heavy at the same time. I collected my thoughts and then I remembered that Jared was still on the other end of the line (poor guy probably didn't know that I hadn't heard anything he'd said for the last few minutes or so! Sorry Jared!)

So I told Jared about my epiphany moment and of how my momma and I had been talking the night before (regrettably heated on my part) about my dreams, and of how I felt like she wasn't supporting me, when in reality she has been doing so all along. I felt so saddened that I hadn't glimpsed her strong love for me as a mother, or as a beautiful patient and grace-filled woman who holds my heart and desires dearly to her own. I just knew after talking to God and Jared that the next chance I had to talk to my momma, to thank her for never giving up on me or my dreams and to apologize for not being the best daughter all around that I know that I can be. 

I did talk to my lovely momma last night about all that was on my heart while eating out at a Chinese place for dinner. The Lord gave me the words I needed to say, and my heart was most sincere in apologizing to my momma about my behavior and shattering her trust in me. Tears began to well up in her eyes as I relayed my epiphany and apology to her....she had said that she was beginning to get annoyed with me and that she had decided not focus on me so much anymore; letting me do what I needed to do on my own, and her just hoping and praying in the meantime that I would someday "get it" after she took a step or two back.

Thoughts and feelings of knowing that momma was there for me all along, and that my Creator holds my dreams, comforted me in that moment of joy and sadness intermingled all together, and it still does thankfully. I'd never really realized that my momma has held my dreams of writing in her hands as dearly as I do, and by telling me about all of these wonderful writers over the years she was only trying to spur me on by shepherding me towards inspiring like-minded women writer's young and old to push me towards living out my dreams.

Why I Am Still Called A Dreamer, After Letting Go:

I've realized lately that if I never dare to dream BIGGER than even before and then don't let those BIG dreams go to Him, my life will only be a reflection of what it could be. I would not be allowing the Lord to inhabit me and use the gifts that He placed within me, that are just now seemingly lying dormant, waiting for the world all around me; to inspire others and to be inspired by others, to share love with others through words and to be loved daily by the One who holds my dreams and speaks words of comfort daily to my heart. I know that going where the Lord leads may seem crazy sometimes, especially when you've no clue of what the end result will be in giving over your aspirations and heart to Him, but honestly He's never once lead me astray before.

I'd love to be able to go to this conference to better myself first and foremost as a person who wants to be lead by Him, and secondly, should I have the wonderful opportunity of going to the She Speaks 2011 Conference, I hope that I will come out a more experienced writer who is better equipped to draw other women into falling more in love with Christ through the words with which I write. I have so much hope and faith in Him, whether I am blessed to be able to go to the She Speaks Conference or not. Ultimately the paths that my life will take as a writer and a young woman covered by His love and grace resides in His hands, and His hands alone.